Tonight as I was driving, a song came on the radio that catapulted me back 6 years ago. Someone very close to me had passed away from cancer and for months, I was angry. I was angry they had died, I was angry at the way the medical community sent him home with no hope, and worse…I was angry at God.
For months, I held this anger in my heart. Questions arose of why and instead of getting answers, I felt as though God was silent. My heart began to harden and it wasn’t long before I started to watch my hardened heart manifest in my actions. My anger began to rear its ugly head within my family and with those I loved most.
Three months after his passing, the youth group at my church was headed to a winter weekend retreat. As part of the leader team, I was scheduled to go and be a part of leading small group discussions and overseeing the students attending. As much as I was looking forward to going, my heart wasn’t in it. I spoke to students and shared my heart, but I was disconnected from them and from the words I shared. Though I talked a good talk, my heart was doubting and was still deeply angry at what had happened only a few months back.
The second night of the retreat, there came a point where we had the opportunity to have time to reflect, pray, and just spend time one-on-one with God. To some, I recognize this might be a foreign concept, but as a Christian, its not about religion or religious duties. It’s about a relationship with God, where we can talk to Him and He speaks back to us with words of comfort, answers to our questions, and healing for our hearts. In that moment, I needed all of the above. But I was still angry and felt my heart pulling away from this opportunity.
A song began and before I knew it, my heart was being softened. Within moments, I was kneeling on the floor, sobbing. I allowed my heart to pour out all of the hurt and anger and lay it before God. It was in that moment that I realized, I was angry at God because I had no one else to be angry with. It wasn’t His fault, He didn’t take our loved one from us. But He was there through it all, as a comfort and a strength to help us walk through the valley of death.
Those months felt like an eternity of being angry with God, but in that moment, it was as though no time had passed. I physically felt as though I was being cradled in the arms of God, as I wept. The healing that took place that night was indescribable. It was as though someone took a broken bone and near instantaneously healed it.
All that time, I thought God had turned a deaf ear to me. I thought He was being silent because of my anger or my doubt. Instead what I found, was that He had never left. He was always where He had been and was patiently waiting for me to return.
To be honest reader, I don’t know why I felt compelled to share this story tonight, but I hope it helps heal your hurting heart. I hope this story reminds you that God does love you – He is there for you. And if you feel like He’s been silent or hasn’t been there for you, know that His character is one of love. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will be there for you, but He will also wait patiently for us to welcome Him into our lives.
I’d like to leave you with the song that brought healing to my soul and reminded me that nothing can separate us from the love of God. He is there and He is waiting patiently for you.