If you asked me how I am today reader, you’d probably get a much different answer than you would normally get from me. I wouldn’t say I’m great, maybe not even that I’m “good”. To be completely honest, I don’t feel like me at all.
Lately, I’ve had many conflicting feelings. I’ve felt anger, excitement, disappointment, frustration, and deep sorrow. I’ve been faced with the reality of all too many things converging at once and if I were to be honest, I just want to run and hide.
With over 20 inches of snow on the ground from the recent snowstorm, being snowed in has caused me to have a lot of time to reflect. I decided to splurge today and have a midday cup of coffee in my favorite (and largest) mug, pictured above. The quote is a reminder to pursue your dreams and live in each and every moment.
If I were to be honest, I feel as though I’m failing miserably in that arena. I have hopes and dreams buried deep within my soul, that lately I’ve been asking God if they’ll ever come to pass. I feel as though God has gone silent on me, but as I write this I realize, maybe the problem is me. Maybe in my disappointment and frustration, I’ve pushed God to the side and said, “I’ll handle this.” and being the gentleman He is, He has stepped back and allowed me to do just that.
If I were to be honest, I’d say that the pressure to be the best Christian I can be, feels so overwhelming at times. It’s as though people expect you to never question God, simply because you have faith. Reader, that myth is as far from the truth as one can get.
And on days like today especially, I feel as though I’m just going through the motions. I believe having a crisis of faith is healthy. It solidifies what you believe and why you believe it. If I were to be honest, I’d say I thought I already had mine and I would’ve never expected to experience it again.
I thought being angry at God for Uncle George’s death was my crisis of faith – and for a time, it was. I thought my rebellious teenage years was another crisis of faith – and possibly, it was. But then I look at the me I am today, and I hear the accolades from people who look at me and see a Godly woman they admire. Yet, when I look in the mirror, I see a young woman who feels…empty. I don’t feel fulfilled. I don’t feel complete. I don’t feel as though I have a purpose I’m currently fulfilling. Yes, I have a lot of great things going on and by the success metrics used by others, I’m doing just fine.
But it’s not enough for me.
I read a quote recently that pierced me like a knife.
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
– C.S. Lewis
That quote nailed exactly how I’ve been feeling as of late. I want to desperately believe I am where I am supposed to be in life. I want desperately to know that this season I’m in, is part of my bigger purpose. I feel as though I’m in this stage of watching everyone else seemingly move forward in life, while I spin my wheels like a rear-wheel drive car stuck in the mud. And worse, I have no clue what to do about it.
Trusting God has not typically been difficult for me. What I’m struggling with is that I feel as though I have no direction. I know what not to do, but I don’t know what to do.
Is this too honest for you today? I hope not. I want you to know if you’ve ever gone through this or even if you’re going through it now, you’re not alone.
One thing I’m learning, is that we’re not meant to do life alone. We’re designed to walk alongside of each other and help each other through these times.
I so appreciate every single one of you who reads this blog and those of you who have taken the time to let me know it encourages you. If nothing else, I hope my honesty dispels the lie Satan so often tries to feed us in telling us we’re alone in what we face.
You’re not alone. We’re in this together.